28F

No... It's not my bra size... Not any size at all actually...
It's the last seat of the plane that is taking home for a week-end after 5 weeks away...
When i'm away that long, i'm happy to go home... See my parents, my brother, my sister... My wonderful nephew, my lovely new niece... And my friends... Just two days that i live at 200%... to make sure i get to see and spend time with everyone...
So you'd think: the last seat... The plane must be full of people and that was the last one checking in... But it's not the case... The answer is no to the two possible doubts...
The stewardess thought that i was somehow punished by being set here lonely at the end of the plane when i hsve so many empty rows in front of me...
But i don't see it that way... First, there's no reason on anyone on this earth to punish me... Tham it's rather a blessing...
No noise... No one pushing in my back nor on my side... And two empty seats next to so that i can relax... Sleeping or reading one of the three books i've just bought while they were making the last call for me to get on board...

I'm actually happy today... I got to see my very special friend before rushing home preparing my 4.5kg suitcase for the week-end...
We got to talk... Laugh... Wash away any doubt that i had and made things clearer...
Human relationships aren't always easy to handle and understand... They just have to be lived and we have have to be open-minded and ready to make things better... We learn from eachother everyday more... And that is just wonderfull...:-) thank you for being there always!

A brand new day!!

Well, here i am... Thursday morning... Parqued near the office... In the car.. Smoking (again!!... Yeah i know i should drop this shit soon)
listening to the Maxima... Waiting for a friend for breakfast...
And you all already now that it's my favorite meal of the day... And i'm starving... And it's aroud -4 degrees outside... Need something to warm me out:-)...
As i said... Brand new day and brand new start...
I've decided to feel better... To look better and try to let nothing affect me...
I'm done with feel so low and so drown... And that happens again well... I'll try not let it show...
People don't like seeing me sad... I've to smile... And that's what i'll do...:-)
wish you all a great day!!

3 degres outside and...

I'm sitting here... Outside in the cold... With my starnucks csramel machiato with extra shot de cafe and cream...
Smoking my tenth cigarette of the day... Looking for the words to express myself...
Where are you words when i most need you??
This page has become the only place i can drop a few lines without having people judging or thinking i'm too weird lately...
I feel like i want to fly but i cannot find my wings...
I'm stuck here... Wondering too much, thinking too much... Lost... Observing... Trying to understand the finality of all this...
Pissed off... It seems like it's a bad timing for everyone...
Sometimes you think you finally saw the light but it appears to be an illusion...
Oh God help me through this... You know me well... You know my deepest wishes... What's in my heart...
Please make my dreams come true...
I have a golden heart... I know that... It just hurts so times too much... You know...
I wanna be surrounded by persons who are really true to me...
I don't like the excuses... I've been given quite too many...
3 degrees outside or maybe less by now...
I can hardly feel my hands and my fingers barely move...
It's probably time for me to hang out now... Looking for my words for the next note... It'll be about fears... Those that pull us down...
See you soon then...

Doing some thinking...

I’ve been doing quite a lot of thinking about my life and myself lately…
And eventhough I most of the time see it like a total mess… I’m sure that I deserve the best…and the best has maybe come may way or not…I don’t know, time will tell…

I know who I am, I know what I’m worth…and I know that the losers are the one who can’t see me the way I am…those who treat me like shit, like someone inferior…those who rechased me…

Some of them would kill for a chance to come back with me…but there time has passed…they had their chance and they let it go away… too bad isn’t?...well yeah… But I have moved on…

And I continue to move on…

I’m not afraid of failures…of falling down because I know I’ll get up again, stronger…

I’m not afraid of doing mistakes…because each story is different even if I keep on being the same …. I try to learn from them…

I’m not afraid of falling in love…Even if the person is not exactly like me…Even if we don’t have the same believes, nor the same past, nor the same incomes, nor the same origins… What matters is the person, the feelings, the connections….

I believe in destiny…Whatever has to happen, will happen…whether I like it or not…whether I expect it or not…and exactely the same thing for everyone…

We have no idea about what the future has for us…

We can only talk about our lives now, about what we’d like and what we wouldn’t like…

About what we should do, what we dream about doing… but that may never happen…

Sometimes we’re wrong…we think that somethings are good for us and we wish for them, but they’re not…we wonder why it didn’t happen…and we understand that after sometime that it’s so much better that it actually didn’t…

I think that sometimes we don’t let the right persons enter our lives, we don’t accept help advice from the person that only care about us…

I have wished (and I actually keep on wishing) so many times that comes the day in which all the guys that have passed into my life realize what they have missed the way they dumped me…saying such standard things as

“We have to talk… it’s not you, it’s me…you are really a wonderful women…but my life is all about my job and having fun with my friends…three months dating is very long time…it scares me”…and then one month later he’s dating a friend of his for almost one year…and he dumped her before his holidays…what can I say to this?? A bastard, is a bastard!! TOO SELFISH!! I was too kind, too understanding, independent, made more than him and I kinda liked him a lot…

“Hey…I think we should stop seeing eachother…you’re really special…But …”… Stupid!!

“I knew from the beginning that this will never work out…I’m crazy in love with you…I dreamt of me waking up and having you by side…I’d give it all to you…but it’s better if we end this so you can do your life with someone else”… Realistic? Jealous? Masochist? Right?...

“I’m sorry but my first love is coming to visit me and I don’t know what can happen… but you’re really a great girl”… TOO young and lost!!

“I’m sorry…I love you…but I cannot stand the long distance relationship…” what? The truth is that he young, obessed by his ex, mentally disturbed, alcoholic and totally lost…and scared!!

…and I’ll stop here my list…

Scared? Aren’t they all…

Sorry…They are all sorry…

Too good?...Yeah that’s what I am…Too good…Too nice…definitely too dumb to think that these relationships were worth the try…I just let myself go, feel the moment…I just let myself be me…If we start thinking with our head…I think we’ll be over 6 billions single persons…we always want much more than we can get…we always want what we actually can’t get…we always think that the good things or persons can wait till we’re ready….that the clock keep on running, and the earth keep on moving every single second…

I’ve often come to wonder this : Shall I be a slut to find a man who understands me and wants to be with me, a man who really cares…a man that’s there without me having to ask for it??...

It’s very easy to be a slut…harder to be a real good person…Is it really worth the game and the try?...it’s easy to take them and treat them like tissues, use them and throw them just like men do with women… it could be very easy to beat them at their own game, give them a bit of their own medicine (or poison)…

But do they really feel great about themselves after that…do they wake up one morning and think about all the persons they have hurt…what do they see in the mirror?...

And if I were a slut…a dirty unscrupulous bitch like the others…discrete or transparent…I would be just like the others…I’d lose all that makes me special, different, exquisite and divine…

Do you think that too much qualification for me??...No, trust me or try me!!

How great is the net... Right?

How great is internet...
Internet is great... An undeniable truth... It made the world seem so small...
It connects people... It gives news not only about what's happening in your country or around the world but
also news about your own family!!!...
You'd better be online if you want to have the latest news...
That's how 9 years ago i heard that my grandpa had died...
That's how last week i heard that my cousin was divorcing...
Funny isn't it??

Eventhough i like this means of communication and all that it offers...
Sometimes it just seems so cold, so unpersonal...and it's just too bad!!

I have a friend...

I have a friend... But not just one... But this friend is new..
This friend is special... And it's as if i've known him all my life...
The kind of friend you can share anything with...
The kind of friend that is honest and true and there and isn't afraid of telling
you the things just the way they are...
The kind of friend that makes me laugh... That makes me smile... And feel better about myself...
The kind of friend that is there... That listens... That understands...
The kind of friend who needs a real friend... Who needs me in their life just like i definitely need him in mine
The kind of friend who's not of the same sex as i am...
The kind that is totally appealing... Attractive... Intelligent... Sexy.. Open-minded...
The kind that doesn't judge... And enjoys the moments we spend together...
Seeing a movie... Listening to music... Having pizza or drinking tea... Hanging out... Hugging... Kissing...
The kind of person that enters your life... And change it forever... In the best way...
The kind you never want to have out of your life... No matter the differences... No matter the distances... Mo matter what
faith and trust and respect and caring...
And no matter how intimate you get to get... It won't affect or destroy the true things we share...
A few people would believe in such a relationship... But i do... I have faith... And God bless it!

Why not me?

Why not me? Why can't I be the one girl guys fall in love with
why can't they take me as i am, love me for who i am... Appreciate me
why do they all get scared, why do they all run away... Afraid of something
why can't i be the one they take risks for because i'm worth it... And they know it...
It's not a question of timing...It can't always be that
Why can i be selfconfident... Believe in myself...
That insecurity... Always thinking that i did't the guy, it's because something is missing
maybe too fat or too thin, too short or not pretty... Too intelligent or not enough...
Religious and liberal...
I am what i am... Somethings i can change... But not the roots of me...
So why can't someone see deep inside of me... And love me for all that...
As surrounded by lovely and dear people as possible... I sometimes feel empty and lonely...
Why?

When you lose your faith in men how can you gain it back?

When you lose your faith in half of human kind, what can you do to gain again that trust in the people that are trustworthy…
How can you know on which persons you can count on and confide in and who you shouldn’t trust under any circumstances…
It’s sooo hard…
I lost my faith in men…I cannot trust any of them anymore… Even if I want to…
I don’t believe what they tell me… I’ve been deceived so many times that it hurts just to think that I can be deceived or disappointed again… Even if they promise me honesty, it seems like they always do or say something that makes me doubt in their total honesty…
Maybe it’s just a way of protecting myself…easier to think that they are all liars than try to know who really is and who isn’t… But I’m not doing it because it’s easier… it’s never been me to look for the easiest solution…it’s just that it seems I cannot do it any other way…and it hurts even more…

What shall i do?

I'm back!

I'm back...
I missed this place...
I missed writing...
I missed you...

i don't know if it's going to be for good... but i have been feeling very inspired lately...like word and ideas and feelings...everything rushing into my head...

So i decide to come back...
After trying to remembering my user's ID and my password and it took me a while... i'm finally here again...dropping this few lines...
Back to my island