Something missing in my life

Last night it was hard for me to sleep, I just couldn’t.
Too many thoughts running through my head…
Too many feelings running through my veins…
I had too much coffee as every day but it’s only last tonight that It was hard for me to find sleep.

I had dinner with a friend of mine and one of his questions was if I was feeling alright now. Well I said yes …because I meant it then…but later when I got back home I just realised that I have some kind of need, something missing in my life, something inside of me that needs to be compensated.

There are some ways one can compensate its needs.
Sex…it’s a good idea but I’ve never done it…waiting for the right person…so this isn’t the solution for me.
Food…that’s a good idea also…I love eating but I’m actually on a diet now and I don’t want it to last forever nor to gain twice the weight I lost so far so this solution ain’t th right one for me.
Suicide … well committing suicide is a quite strong and there’s-no-turning-back mean of compensating one’s needs. I’ve thought of and tried committing suicide before but those days are gone…thank God!
Smoking…of course there are many things people can smoke…but I’ll just talk about cigarettes…it’s not a good idea to start smoking but it doesn’t mean that I’m gonna be addicted to it if I do it from time to time…it’s just a way to feel better I guess, at least that’s what I noticed since all the people that smoke have cigarettes to come down when they’re mad or that helps them think or concentrate or fill in their blanks. So this smoking could be a part time solution for me till I find the reason I’m feeling this way. My closest friends don’t want me to smoke because they know it’s bad for health but that doesn’t stop them from smoking…
If I do it it’s not to be just like everybody else, it’s because I wanna know how it feels like to, if it’ll help me understand some things, find the answer to some questions, …

After the dinner, I dropped my friend to his hotel and went to a place I know where I could recharge my handy and called another friend of mine…I actually woke her up but I was in tears and I needed to talk to her, to tell her how bad I was felling and how hard it is when you realise that you’re lying to yourself and she listened, tried to calm me, she even managed to make me laugh and I felt so weird crying and laughing at half past eleven pm on the street in front of a lingerie store!

Then I took a cab and went home.

Sometimes I feel so weak and so weird and so invaded with my feelings and my tears and my over sensitivity …I just feel like crying to let all go away.

But what is it that is missing in my life? Self confidence maybe…